To a stranger walking down the street, I look like a normal girl in my early 20s. Upon further examination of my life and the sweater I'm wearing, I've discovered that I'm actually a crotchety old man. Here's why:
1. It's a Saturday night at 11:30. I could be at a cool bar listening to my friend's band play, I could be at my other friend's housewarming party, but I'm here, listing the reasons why I'm an old man.
2. If I go out more than 2 or 3 nights in a row, my body goes into a tailspin. My body aches, I'm loopy, and all I want to do is lay in bed and do crosswords and drink tea.
3. Right now my pillows are propped up against my wall like a hospital bed. I really want a hospital bed with a remote that not only allows the top half of my bed to move, but also calls a nurse to bring me jello (preferably orange).
4. Yesterday I went to a fancy cooking demonstration with a wine tasting where the median age of the other customers was at least 25 years older than me.
5. After said cooking demonstration, I went to a restaurant/bar where the median age of the other customers continued to be at least 25 years older than me. We did not drink bud light from cans or anything from a solo cup. Real glass, folks. It felt right.
6. Today I watched "Friends with Benefits" at the $2 movie theater. I identified with Justin Timberlake's father who had alzheimers and just wanted to eat a steak and take his pants off. While I'm at home, I rarely wear pants. Let me tell you, it is far superior to wearing pants. Try it. You'll never go back to the way it used to be. Then comment and tell me how right I am.
7. I forgot that two of my friends were supposed to crash on my floor for a night. I had to put my pants on to answer the door and now this old man is grumpy.
8. Because my friends interrupted me while writing this post, my words per minute is now approximately 7 words per minute, which I think is comparable to an old man's. Two-finger typing all the way. Also, AltaVista is my search engine of choice. Just kidding! There's just very few occasions where I can bring back AltaVista. ahh memories.
So for all my 20-something comrades out there heading into a quarter-life crisis, don't worry. I'm experiencing what happens when we turn 70 and it's not bad. But I think I'll be signing another tune when I head into adult diaper zone and wearing Life Alert around my neck.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
I'm about to unleash a rant on you, blogosphere
Ok, so I haven't written since July. I'm not what one might call "consistent." I'm not here to catch you up on my life. I'm here to rant. Didn't you read the title of this post? GAWD do I have to explain everything to you?
Amateur modeling. Usually it's just girls on facebook posting mobile uploads of themselves making duck bill faces in their mirrors. But some girls are upping their games (and expressing daddy issues) by posing in outfits that can only be described as cocktail napkins for their equally amateur photographer friends so they can build portfolios. There are typically three poses an amateur model does: sexy peeing, hand in hair legs splayed or constipated face with booty tooch. I have to wonder, they do look at their own photos before uploading them to facebook, right? I have to assume that is the only reason why these girls would let such horrible representations of themselves be on the internet. The thing is, I know these girls. They're nice. They wear clothes that won't get them picked up for solicitation or get kicked out of a Chili's for indecent exposure. It's a shame to see otherwise smart and beautiful women feed on the kind of degrading attention that comes from someone commenting "DAAAAYYYUUUUMM GURRRRLL." Please don't mistake me for a femi-nazi; I happen to love fashion magazines and consider fashion to be an interest of mine, but there is a difference between a model showcasing a piece of couture in a way that makes you question conventional beauty and a girl leaning against a washer/dryer combo in a laundromat wearing a catholic school-girl version of said cocktail napkin (this is a real thing, people). If you're going to dress like a hooker, at least get paid for it (ladies on Halloween night, I'm talking to you). I don't think that's going to get you on America's Next Top Model though. Or maybe it will. This leads me to my next rant.
Apparently, Tyra Banks fancies herself an author. Her new "novel", "Modelland" is coming out soon, featuring main character Tookie de la Creme living in a dystopian land of models. Get it? Modelland. It's a land of models. Smart! Now, let's address that name. TOOKIE DE LA CREME? Also, Creme has an accent over the first e but I don't know how to put that in because it is JUST THAT DOUCHEY. I guess naming the character Tookie makes sense in a dystopian land because no parents would make their child bear the burden of such a terrible name in our normal messed up world. Does Tyra think this is how she's going to become the next Oprah? No matter how many issues I have with Oprah's god complex, she does serve her purpose to make women feel empowered. Tyra wins the genetic lottery and somehow that makes her qualified to give advice to women. Remember her singing career? What singing career you ask? yeahhh that's what I thought. Let's add author to the graveyard of Tyra Banks' failed careers. And yet, I'm embarrassed to say that that I dutifully tune in to watch ANTM every damn week, which is by far my biggest guilty pleasure besides my weekly S&M club. Just kidding. Or am I? (Just taking a cue from Ty Ty-always leave them wanting more).
Amateur modeling. Usually it's just girls on facebook posting mobile uploads of themselves making duck bill faces in their mirrors. But some girls are upping their games (and expressing daddy issues) by posing in outfits that can only be described as cocktail napkins for their equally amateur photographer friends so they can build portfolios. There are typically three poses an amateur model does: sexy peeing, hand in hair legs splayed or constipated face with booty tooch. I have to wonder, they do look at their own photos before uploading them to facebook, right? I have to assume that is the only reason why these girls would let such horrible representations of themselves be on the internet. The thing is, I know these girls. They're nice. They wear clothes that won't get them picked up for solicitation or get kicked out of a Chili's for indecent exposure. It's a shame to see otherwise smart and beautiful women feed on the kind of degrading attention that comes from someone commenting "DAAAAYYYUUUUMM GURRRRLL." Please don't mistake me for a femi-nazi; I happen to love fashion magazines and consider fashion to be an interest of mine, but there is a difference between a model showcasing a piece of couture in a way that makes you question conventional beauty and a girl leaning against a washer/dryer combo in a laundromat wearing a catholic school-girl version of said cocktail napkin (this is a real thing, people). If you're going to dress like a hooker, at least get paid for it (ladies on Halloween night, I'm talking to you). I don't think that's going to get you on America's Next Top Model though. Or maybe it will. This leads me to my next rant.
Apparently, Tyra Banks fancies herself an author. Her new "novel", "Modelland" is coming out soon, featuring main character Tookie de la Creme living in a dystopian land of models. Get it? Modelland. It's a land of models. Smart! Now, let's address that name. TOOKIE DE LA CREME? Also, Creme has an accent over the first e but I don't know how to put that in because it is JUST THAT DOUCHEY. I guess naming the character Tookie makes sense in a dystopian land because no parents would make their child bear the burden of such a terrible name in our normal messed up world. Does Tyra think this is how she's going to become the next Oprah? No matter how many issues I have with Oprah's god complex, she does serve her purpose to make women feel empowered. Tyra wins the genetic lottery and somehow that makes her qualified to give advice to women. Remember her singing career? What singing career you ask? yeahhh that's what I thought. Let's add author to the graveyard of Tyra Banks' failed careers. And yet, I'm embarrassed to say that that I dutifully tune in to watch ANTM every damn week, which is by far my biggest guilty pleasure besides my weekly S&M club. Just kidding. Or am I? (Just taking a cue from Ty Ty-always leave them wanting more).