Here's to 2012!

Hey ya'll 2012 has arrived! You know what that means right? APOCALYPSE NOW!! Seeing as the arrival of the end of the world is imminent, don't even bother with resolutions. Resolutions are kind of bogus anyway, but if you absolutely feel the need to resolute out of some weird habit, I propose you make them as hedonistic as possible. You're not gonna have to deal with the consequences next year anyhow. Here are mine:

1. Blow up like a balloon. I saw an infomercial for a furniture support that when put underneath couch cushions can hold up to 1000 lbs. The brilliant ad guys hired two sumo wrestlers, one weighing in at 400 lbs and the other at 600 lbs (that equals 1000 in case you were wondering) and had them sit on the couch to demonstrate the strength of these furniture supports. Then they high-fived each other for weighing a collective 1000 lbs and not breaking this couch. I strive to be one of these sumo wrestlers who also moonlights as a couch tester/actor (?). I feel like this is an attainable goal, unlike the Jenny Craig-ers and the Weight Watchers of the world. Tangent: if Sumo wrestlers couldn't sit on couches side by side before this product was made, how did sumo parties work? Just a whole lot of standing around or everyone sitting on the floor with no furniture at all?

2 and 3. Spend all my money and when that runs out (shortly), spend other people's money. I'll buy everything I always deemed too irresponsible to buy like Giselle and Tom Brady's mansion. I saw it, loved it, but was like nawww it's kind of out of my price range. Not anymore! It's also the perfect venue for my bitchin end of the world rager. So really, it's a good value. And right before the bank comes to repo the mansion, I plan on forming an all-star band of thieves a la "Ocean's 11" and stealing some of that Vegas money that I've been hearing about. Two things checked off my bucket list.

4. Mack on a whole bunch of guys. This one is for reals.

Eh, that's it. I don't want to over-commit myself. But if any opportunity arises that seems really inappropriate or immoral, I'm gonna jump on it. Basically anything that gets written into a Showtime show. Anything to add to my list of resolutions, loyal readers?