Where Art Thou, Fairy Godmother?

I just found out that my friend has an extra ticket to a super fancy gala at the Columbia Art Museum. Open bar, fancy finger foods, rich old folks and black tie NOT optional. I'm excited to go, don't get me wrong, but I have no dress or glass slippers. Let this blog post be my official wish to the Godmothers of America (copyright pending): I need a ballgown by 7pm pleeeeeze (these things are processed faster over the internet, right?) preferably in the form of a Vera Wang, Valentino, or Chanel Couture. I may be reaching for the stars by throwing in the word couture so close to the event, but how often do I go to black tie events? The answer is once. I have been to one black tie event. And I got about 24 hours notice. This time it was something like 8 hours. Also, if my Fairy Godmother could throw in some Manolos, that'd be greeaaat. I think glass slippers sound extremely uncomfortable.

Sidenote: I just had a nutter butter for the first time in a decade probably. I'm deeply disappointed in my childhood taste buds.

Off to let the birds and mice dress me before the ball! I'll fill you in on the magical evening later (read: when I'm done being hungover)

Gilt Can Suck It

I love shopping. I love flash sales. The designer clothes at low prices, the small window of time to buy (I've been known to keep something in my shopping cart for weeks before buying something)... all things I love. Until today, Gilt was my favorite flash sale site. Now I hate it. You see, I bought a pair of sandals that I had passed on in it's first round of flash sales so I jumped at it this time. I thought, if I don't like them or they don't fit, I'll just pay the minimal charge to return them. Apparently my definition of minimal and Gilt's version of minimal are not the same. After seeing my "minimal return charge", I promptly sent them a very angry email, which I'm sure will get read by no one. This is what I wrote:

Best Auntie Ever

One of my very best buddies just found out she is pregnant. I'm sworn to secrecy until the doc tells her the baby is totally healthy and doesn't have 11 toes. BUT I CAN'T HELP IT. I'M TOO EXCITED. I'M GOING TO BE THE BEST AUNTIE EVER.

I've never considered myself maternal, but I think you could call me aunternal. My aunts were never the aunts I wanted to have; they were a little cold and judgmental. And I always wanted them to take me shopping for pretty clothes my mom would deem too expensive or impractical. The closest I ever got to that was one of my aunts gave me a terrifying doll from Big Lots for my birthday one time. It was like a Chucky version of the American Girl dolls. I will NEVER buy my baby niece a possessed American Girl doll. It will be baby Missoni capes, baby Uggs and onesies with animal ears attached to the hoods. Like so ↑

Ok, I won't be so cruel as to dress baby niece/nephew as a turkey every single day (maybe once a week when the panda outfit is in the wash) but I just know that I will spoil that fat little ball of a human rotten. He/she will never appreciate my impeccable sense of baby fashion until he/she gathers photos for it's (I'm tired of writing he/she and realistically, it's the size of a grape right now, so chill out) high school graduation slide show and 75% of all the baby outfits are animal related or shrunken down high fashion trends. Baby crop top what up!!

And then when it can speak and start forming it's own opinions, I can only hope that I steer it in the right direction. I'm not talking about morals; that's boring parental stuff. I'm talking about not listening to the shitty nonsensical music (see: "I love you like a love song baby" by Selena Gomez) and the dumb TV shows that glorify teen pregnancy. Maybe my niece/nephew will be one of those cool precocious teens in movies that don't exist in real life. Move over Dakota Fanning! Niece/Nephew has arrived!

That's all way into the future though...right now, i'm just a grab bag of emotions. I think Jessie Spano can better express what I'm feeling right now.

How To Become Smarter

While perusing the New York Times, I stumbled upon this article  on brain training. Naturally, as a college graduate who now remembers little to none of the Mandarin Chinese I minored in, I read it hoping to find out how to make myself "Pinky and the Brain" smart. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that Pinky is underrated. Yin and Yang, dawg. Yin and Yang. This is why I need this brain training desperately. I can't write a blog post on how to become smarter without going off on a tangent about 1990s cartoons.

SO. The gist of the theory is that through simple games, you can increase your fluid intelligence, which has always been thought to peak in your early 20s and continually decline until all that's up in your head is just silly putty. And there's just nothing silly about declining fluid intelligence.

Whether you know your IQ score and want to improve it, or if you're like me and just want to remember everything you needed to get at Target without saying "DOH!" on the drive home, play this game. It might work, it might not. But, it's a solid way to procrastinate and helps you rationalize your procrastination with self-betterment. Like watching "Jeopardy" before studying.

I've never been interested in finding out my IQ score, which is one of the ways the researchers in the article measured the changes in fluid intelligence. There are only a few ways this scenario can play out:
1. You take the test and find out that you're borderline mentally challenged. Self-esteem is as low as your IQ score. Lose.
2. You take the test and find out that you're just average. Self-fulfilling prophecy turns you into a sad, sad car salesman.
3. You take the test and find out that you're genius level. Head over-inflates to the size of a blimp. You become that douche who talks about Mensa chess meet-ups at parties. You in a year--->


You see? No one wins with IQ tests. I really do feel like assigning a number to your intelligence can only do more harm than good. The number would haunt you anytime you ever questioned your intelligence. I already have enough numbers to haunting me anyway. Between my SAT and GRE scores, GPA, bank account balance and the points on my drivers license, I have had just about enough with numbers.

The detox plan, the epilogue

I'm done! I'd like to say that all of my ultra-healthy detox habits stuck with me, but I'm actually sitting in my bed with a bag of Pirate's Booty. I wouldn't say I'm going on a bender, but man, I have missed carbs. It's kind of like exam week--you concentrate on studying non-stop and then after you're done,  you just shut down for a little while. But after a week or so of doing nothing, you want to return to normalcy. So maybe I'm in a post-exam week bender, but I think I'll want to go back to normal after this week.

I guess in retrospect, this week has been unusual for me. I've made pretty elaborate baked goods for my roommate and my other close friend whose birthdays happen to be back to back. Remember that insane cookie cake that I was dreaming about when I was deep into my detox? I made it! It was a hit! I also made better than sex cupcakes for my other friend's birthday who requested not just chocolate cake, but chocolate chocolate chocolate cake. She was either channeling the goose from "Charlotte's Web" or someone on cocaine. Either way, I listened to her request and found cupcakes with five different chocolate parts. What can I say? I've always been an overachiever (LIE). The only downside to making these delicious baked goods is all the leftover cake around the house. And let me be clear, these were not low-fat "healthy" cakes. The cookie cake has a total of I think six sticks of butter in it (It's a Paula Deen adaptation. I'm surprised it didn't have more). The better than sex cupcakes are equally terrible for your health. What I need to do is make delicious, showstopping baked goods and give them away. Except that's pretty costly. So I need to sell them. Eureka! New (and only) life plan!

The detox plan, day 16

Remember when I caved last week and had a Reese's cup? I'm proud to say that I had a frosty from Wendy's in my possession (a generous gift from a very sweet, well-meaning mom at the clinic) and did not eat it. I had to have a chat with my sponsor (shout out to Savannah!) who talked me out of falling off the wagon. My immediate thought was "IMMA EAT THAT SHIT UP" but then the scary monster in my head went away and the rational side came back. I'm pretty damn proud of myself for not caving though. Two weeks ago I could have easily rationalized myself into eating that frosty. It always starts with "no, you shouldn't eat that" and moves to "well, maybe if I eat the frosty I'll just have a light dinner" or "I'll work out extra hard at the gym tonight (HA!) " back to "What are you thinking? You had a giant burger for lunch. Obviously you can't have a frosty." The script varies but the result is usually the same. Frosty wins it all! Not today! In the battle of Frosty vs. Detox, Detox wins! Everyone loves an underdog story.

the detox plan, day 15

Ok, so I know I haven't been that diligent with my daily updates as of recently, but I have been diligent with the detox. I did realize that I could have been having organic soy all of week 2 but didn't because I thought that was week three. This week I get gluten free grains and eggs back. My body has been crying out for carby goodness so I had Vietnamese food tonight; vermicelli with pan-fried chili lemongrass tofu. DELICIOUS. That was pretty much the last on my list of cravings besides that cookie dough cake. Even most of my meat cravings have subsided despite seeing pictures of my friend's korean bbq feast on Facebook.

This past week has been very different from the first week for the obvious reason that I was not just eating just twigs and leaves. Beyond that, it reminded me that it's ok to be a little hungry. Despite being able to eat seafood and beans, I still got hungry between meals and instead of indulging every pang of hunger with something to eat, I let my stomach keep grumbling away. Eventually it would go away. If not, I'd eat some fruit or drink some water. It seems like such a simple concept, but it's one that has always eluded me. In all my forays into the dieting world, I always told myself I wouldn't be one of those people who starved themselves but I never fully distinguished the difference between starving yourself and going hungry. As someone who has always had a love/hate relationship with food, this feels like a pretty big milestone. So I head into week three ready to finish strong and hold on to the habits this detox has helped me develop. Now I wonder if the detox can also make me want to go to the gym...

the detox plan, day 10

I have a confession. I cheated. I've been having monster chocolate cravings lately and there was this bag of mini Reese's cups sitting at work unclaimed for days. Every time I walked past that room the only thing I would see was that blaze orange colored bag of chocolatey goodness. It was crying out to me "I'm so lonely! No one has claimed me for days. Just take one of us!" What was I supposed to do? I'm not heartless. I took pity on one of those orphaned Reese's cups and I do not regret it one bite bit. Presto! Chocolate cravings gone! Ahh. Confession is good for the soul.

the detox plan, day 8 and 9

Yesterday was so much better than all of last week combined. I ate tuna and salmon and felt a million times better. And I had hummus! And then a foodgasm. I actually made a hmmmmm noise. At least this whole deprivation thing makes me appreciate the small allowances that this detox provides me. I spent all of last night looking up detox-friendly seafood recipes and came up with some good ones. I was pinterest-ing like a mad woman. I actually made a grocery list for all my recipes and planned my meals for the week! I feel like Liz Lemon when she buys all those nufood prepackaged meals. Respawn!

I woke up refreshed and ready to hit the grocery store. This is where working at a nice grocery store comes in handy. The one tiny downside is that every time I go in just to shop, I can't just shop, I have to talk to everyone. If I don't talk to people then I feel like a bitch. But it's rarely a "hey, how's it goin?" It's a conversation. With conversing. A few people at Earthfare know that I'm detoxing so they ask me how it's going, which is very sweet, but I end  up repeating myself a lot. It takes me twice as long to get my shopping done than if I went to another grocery store where no one cared about me. I know, terrible problems. But sometimes I just want to pop in for one thing and not have to have a mini-coffee date with everyone I know. Or maybe I'm imagining it and no one would care if I walked around not talking to anyone. When all is said and done, I'd much rather have polite chit chat than eat pink slime. Excuse me, lean finely texturized beef.

The detox plan, day 7

HALLELUJAH WEEK ONE IS OVER!!! One week hasn't seemed so long since I took exams or  waited for the final "Harry Potter" movie to come out. This weekend I had some serious doubts about this detox. I was getting pretty grouchy, I mean Oscar level grouchy, and not really feeling the benefits of it. On top of my waves of fatigue, I had an allergy attack and couldn't breathe through my nose and was starting to cough a little. Luckily, I had all of yesterday off, which I spent in bed watching movies and blowing my nose and it paid off; I feel a lot better today. I don't think I will be nearly as tired or hungry this week because I'll get seafood and beans. I mean, it's still going to be a pain trying to resist ordering a bucket of chicken wings, but at least I won't be starving! I won't be starving for meat anymore (really though, nothing replaces a nice juicy steak), but I will not find a replacement for this:

I want this cake at my wedding (there's cookie dough balls INSIDE each of the layers). I will have dreams about this cake. And I'm guessing you'll also be dreaming about this cake too. Sweet dreams, readers!