GREATEST FEAR COMING AT ME

Full disclosure, my greatest fear in the world is spiders. Let me save you the trouble of trying to rationalize the fear out of me. I  have spent a lot of valuable time trying to trick myself into not being irrationally, terrifyingly scared of the boogeyspiders. I know they're smaller, most of them are non-poisonous and they actually help to kill things like flies and mosquitoes that are also part of the bratpack of disgusting creatures. None of this logic, which is generally comforting, helps me at all. The majority of my nightmares are about spiders or somehow involve spiders and my close friends know not to joke about them with me. I will burst into ugly tears if approached with a fake spider or even a picture of a spider.

So today, one of my supervisors, who knows that I'm terrified of spiders, tells me that her boyfriend killed a brown recluse the other day. For those of you who aren't aware, the brown recluse is the #2 most poisonous spider in the world. I would google it to verify that fact, but I know that thousands of pictures of it would show up SO you're just going to have to trust me on this. It's really fucking poisonous. Since I found that out, 40 minutes ago, I have been curled up in a ball in my chair periodically checking the ceiling and floor to make sure one of those fuckers don't sneak up on me. I FEEL LIKE IT'S ON ME.

Apparently the exterminator is coming in "a day or two". THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR AMBIGUOUS ANSWERS. I need this guy to be here yesterday. Melodramatic? Possibly, but most of your fears can be easily avoided. When was the last time public speaking sneaked up on you in the shower? Or when has there been a documented case of  the dark giving anyone a poisonous bite? Show me that documentation. Show me. 

I leave in exactly 4 minutes. Until then, I will remain curled up in this very uncomfortable ball (safety over comfort). Then I will be driving to a church, temple (Muslim and Jewish) and a giant oak tree (for Buddhists) to pray to every deity who is out there not to die by spiders.