When Did I Get Pregnant?

I went to Target today and spent a record low $16 on soap, a loofa and tampons. Normally I walk out of there $50 poorer, bewildered as to how I just spent half a days wages on practically nothing. Today, I was pretty proud at my restraint and walked out with my receipt and a coupon for a $10 gift card with the purchase of two packs of diapers. Cool! I'll give this coupon to Savannah, who has a baby on the way.


It wasn't until just now that I even thought about how strange it is that I bought tampons and Target is assuming that I have a need for diapers. Call me crazy, but a woman buying tampons is probably not in her second trimester. I read this New York Times article on Target's marketing strategy which talks about how they try to anticipate what we want before we even know we want them. Well, Target, your fancy M.I.T. statisticians were wrong about this lady.

This is a list of things for coupons that I think would be better suited for a woman buying tampons:
-Ben&Jerry's ice cream
-the romantic comedy two-pack dvds ("Never Been Kissed" and "Ever After"; "You've Got Mail" and "Sleepless in Seattle"; "The Holiday" and "What Happens in Vegas")
-condoms
-Any Jillian Michaels dvd

Or better yet, just no coupon at all. Those things have an expiration date of a week, you always have to buy 10 of something to get 75 cents off, and it's never something you actually want. I came to Target to get some soap, not to deeply examine my desire to have or not have a child.

Sometimes I can't believe I majored in this nonsense. The sad part about all of it is that it works. These psychic hotline Miss Cleo algorithms that they come up with have made Target and other corporations like them a lot of money. I'm just really glad I'm not part of it. Did I mention that I'm writing this blog post as an extended tangent that I went off of while job hunting? I wish I didn't need the internet to job hunt, because all of a sudden I'm getting enraged over Target's presumptuousness and looking up articles I read 6 months ago and then I wonder how much money I still have in my bank account after I've forked it all over to Target then I'm anger cleaning the kitchen counter. Then I blog about it all. Then it's 3 hours later and I've done nothing that I set out to do but the kitchen counter is extremely clean.

So in conclusion, shut the fuck up about my lady parts, Target.

CARPE THAT FUCKING DIEM

I'm feeling good. I'm quitting my job today. The autism clinic unceremoniously cut all my hours besides the possibility of maybe six whole hours effective immediately. They asked me to turn my whole life upside down at the drop of a hat to do boring paperwork. Thanks, but no thanks.

I'm not completely unemployed though. I still kept the crappier of my two jobs at the grocery store and say what you will about me working retail, but I know they would not do that. At least not without the courtesy of just firing me.

I have to hold on to this exciting feeling of the possibility of working somewhere that I love. Being somewhere that I love. Doing something new. Waking up and not dreading the rest of the day.

So thanks, autism clinic, for essentially laying me off. I could have zombied my way through this job for many more months. Good luck with your shady decisions and your unsustainable business model. I'm out of here. PEACE.

I Solemnly Swear I Did Not Send That Porn To Your Mom.

It finally happened. My email got hacked. Using a more sophisticated version of my 6th grade email password has finally caught up to me. Don't worry, I've changed it now. It's my 6th grade email password on steroids. I'm talking Bane from "Batman" steroids. Crazy crab face mask, veiny disgusting biceps, the whole thing.Totally solid.

Guess how I found out? Poor Madeleine's mom got four or five porny emails from "me". All different email addresses but from "me". I'm just thankful that it was Madeleine's mom and not my mom who would have died of shock and embarrassment that her daughter was sending her porn.

I texted my mom to say don't panic, I think my email has been hacked just don't open anything from me for a little while. I expected my mom to immediately call me and tell me to get my credit checked right now. Nope. Just a rather nonchalant "Ok. Are you feeling any better?" [I've been sick for the past few days]. This coming from the woman who once asked me, "WHAT'S THE PHONE NUMBER FOR GOOGLE? I THINK MY EMAIL HAS BEEN HACKED!!!" After stifling a chortle, I calmly asked her why she thinks she'd been hacked expecting her to paraphrase some "20/20" story on phishing. Fuckin' John Stossel. Apparently, a week or so after my parents got home from a vacation they checked their email account and it said their last login location had been Massachusetts. Paranoia set in and they immediately thought HACKED (btdubs, that's how my dad types. In all caps. I think he thinks that maybe the compute will go faster because he's more emphatic? e.g. GOOGLE.COM. STOCK ALERTS). So I changed the password and then I thought huh. They were in Boston recently. As recently as last week. Did they maybe login at the hotel's business center? Bingo! Crisis averted.

I'm not quite so paranoid that I'm looking up the phone number for Google, but I did change my password and so far only one person has received porn from me so here's hoping that no one else I know get's weird sexually explicit emails from me!