Reasons why I might actually be an old man

To a stranger walking down the street, I look like a normal girl in my early 20s. Upon further examination of my life and the sweater I'm wearing, I've discovered that I'm actually a crotchety old man. Here's why:

1. It's a Saturday night at 11:30. I could be at a cool bar listening to my friend's band play, I could be at my other friend's housewarming party, but I'm here, listing the reasons why I'm an old man. 

2. If I go out more than 2 or 3 nights in a row, my body goes into a tailspin. My body aches, I'm loopy, and all I want to do is lay in bed and do crosswords and drink tea.

3. Right now my pillows are propped up against my wall like a hospital bed. I really want a hospital bed with a remote that not only allows the top half of my bed to move, but also calls a nurse to bring me jello (preferably orange).

4. Yesterday I went to a fancy cooking demonstration with a wine tasting where the median age of the other customers was at least 25 years older than me.

5. After said cooking demonstration, I went to a restaurant/bar where the median age of the other customers continued to be at least 25 years older than me. We did not drink bud light from cans or anything from a solo cup. Real glass, folks. It felt right.

6. Today I watched "Friends with Benefits" at the $2 movie theater. I identified with Justin Timberlake's father  who had alzheimers and  just wanted to eat a steak and take his pants off. While I'm at home, I rarely wear pants. Let me tell you, it is far superior to wearing pants. Try it. You'll never go back to the way it used to be. Then comment and tell me how right I am.

7. I forgot that two of my friends were supposed to crash on my floor for a night. I had to put my pants on to answer the door and now this old man is grumpy.

8. Because my friends interrupted me while writing this post, my words per minute is now approximately 7 words per minute, which I think is comparable to an old man's. Two-finger typing all the way. Also, AltaVista is my search engine of choice. Just kidding! There's just very few occasions where I can bring back AltaVista. ahh memories.

So for all my 20-something comrades out there heading into a quarter-life crisis, don't worry. I'm experiencing what happens when we turn 70 and it's not bad. But I think I'll be signing another tune when I head into adult diaper zone and wearing Life Alert around my neck.