#1 reason why today sucks balls: I got a speeding ticket.
Everything else is sucky only because I got a speeding ticket. I told the cop I was late to work (I was, and only getting later by the second) and if I was late to work again I would get into big trouble (not true). He asked me where I worked and I told him the autism clinic up the street. I thought maybe God or Zeus or Oprah would smile down upon me and send me the cop who has an autistic nephew or something and he'd let me off with a warning. NO. Oprah isn't as all powerful as people think she is. Bitch did squat for me in my time of need.
Hey! Happy Holidays! Here's a speeding ticket! Also, Santa isn't real! Have a nice day!
Monday, December 19, 2011
Thursday, December 15, 2011
LAST DAY AT THE STATEHOUSE!!!!
So if you couldn't tell by the caps and the multiple exclamation points, I'm pretty stoked that this is my last day at the Statehouse. This doesn't mean that I'm not a teensy bit nostalgic. If this were a tv show (it really should be) and this was the series finale, they would bring back all the old characters for a giant party in my honor: the intern and friend who got me this job, the one other page that I actually like, the other page who used to speak legalees to the constituents and later went on to Harvard Law School (read: DOUCHE), and the lawyer who became a judge who still gets his mail sent here. But alas, this is not a tv show, it's my so-called life (without Jordan Catalano?!?). Instead of a grand party, I did the same thing I do pretty much everyday: arrive 3-4 minutes late, park illegally in the garage, make the coffee, check facebook, have an awkward bathroom run-in with a co-worker while I try desperately to poo silently as she talks about the construction in the building, blog, check the senator's ancient voicemail that has no vocal cues just morse code-like beeps, and wait patiently for the phone to ring while I fuck around on the internet.
There are a few things I will miss about this place though...
-Ms. Joanie's outdated colloquialisms (the bees knees, the cat's pajamas, golly day etc.)
-using tap water instead of the spring water to make the coffee because no one can tell the difference
-reading the senator's mail. Especially the Republican club newsletters from his "lady friend" that have these horrible jokes poking fun of Democrats.
-The comments section of the annual constituent surveys. Constituents say the darndest things about how Obama is going to ruin the planet and how we should abolish all taxes forever.
-Seeing Ms. Joanie's exasperated face as she hears that Bobby Caution is calling in sick again (as she rolls into the office at noon).
-the 3 pm sugar rushes after yet another staff birthday cake
-watching everyone walk around with their buttholes clenched because the Senator is here (especially Bobby Caution)
And there are few things I won't miss...
-the paralyzing boredom that comes after sitting in the same chair for hours on end with nothing to do but stare at a computer screen
-the crazy constituent phone calls that aren't short and sweet. They're long and annoying as shit, which I realize is not the opposite as sweet but just...ok?
-When people are "too busy" to walk their papers from one room to the next room so I become their room-to-room courier. Don' they get that they end up waiting longer for a response?
-it's 100 degrees outside and I'm dripping sweat from getting everyone's lunches only to realize the sandwich place didn't give me pickles and I die of a heatstroke trying to run back.
-Going to the Senate Chambers to deliver a message to Senator X only to realize that every single senator in there looks like Senator X because they are all old white dudes (there are two or three black men and no women).
-When I finally find Senator X and he doesn't acknowledge my presence.
-Walking to almost every room in the six floor office to deliver a flyer saying that a meeting has been changed when the same thing could have been accomplished without wasting paper or time by using this new fangled thing called e-mail.
Both lists could go on and on (mostly the one about the stuff I won't miss) but I really will miss Ms. Joanie. She has always been so sweet and supportive; like the slightly judgmental grandmother I never had.
Statehouse, we've had a good run. It's been real, it's been fun...I wouldn't say it's been real fun but it's been interesting. I'm off like a prom dress!
**Amendment: Ms. Joanie gave me a going away present which included Palmetto stationary, $20 for a nice meal out and an appointment book from the Chinese consulate that got sent to the Senator. I think she knows I stole the invitation to the Emperor of Japan's birthday party. Whoops. Also she knows I'm Chinese.
There are a few things I will miss about this place though...
-Ms. Joanie's outdated colloquialisms (the bees knees, the cat's pajamas, golly day etc.)
-using tap water instead of the spring water to make the coffee because no one can tell the difference
-reading the senator's mail. Especially the Republican club newsletters from his "lady friend" that have these horrible jokes poking fun of Democrats.
-The comments section of the annual constituent surveys. Constituents say the darndest things about how Obama is going to ruin the planet and how we should abolish all taxes forever.
-Seeing Ms. Joanie's exasperated face as she hears that Bobby Caution is calling in sick again (as she rolls into the office at noon).
-the 3 pm sugar rushes after yet another staff birthday cake
-watching everyone walk around with their buttholes clenched because the Senator is here (especially Bobby Caution)
And there are few things I won't miss...
-the paralyzing boredom that comes after sitting in the same chair for hours on end with nothing to do but stare at a computer screen
-the crazy constituent phone calls that aren't short and sweet. They're long and annoying as shit, which I realize is not the opposite as sweet but just...ok?
-When people are "too busy" to walk their papers from one room to the next room so I become their room-to-room courier. Don' they get that they end up waiting longer for a response?
-it's 100 degrees outside and I'm dripping sweat from getting everyone's lunches only to realize the sandwich place didn't give me pickles and I die of a heatstroke trying to run back.
-Going to the Senate Chambers to deliver a message to Senator X only to realize that every single senator in there looks like Senator X because they are all old white dudes (there are two or three black men and no women).
-When I finally find Senator X and he doesn't acknowledge my presence.
-Walking to almost every room in the six floor office to deliver a flyer saying that a meeting has been changed when the same thing could have been accomplished without wasting paper or time by using this new fangled thing called e-mail.
Both lists could go on and on (mostly the one about the stuff I won't miss) but I really will miss Ms. Joanie. She has always been so sweet and supportive; like the slightly judgmental grandmother I never had.
Statehouse, we've had a good run. It's been real, it's been fun...I wouldn't say it's been real fun but it's been interesting. I'm off like a prom dress!
**Amendment: Ms. Joanie gave me a going away present which included Palmetto stationary, $20 for a nice meal out and an appointment book from the Chinese consulate that got sent to the Senator. I think she knows I stole the invitation to the Emperor of Japan's birthday party. Whoops. Also she knows I'm Chinese.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Does Facebook think you're a slut?
I've been watching the BBC mini-series "Sherlock Holmes" on Netflix and for those of you who have not seen it (you should), it isn't set in Olde English Tymes, but in modern London. They have real iPhones and everything! So it got me thinking about my "personalized" ads on Facebook and, just go with me on this, if I was murdered and all that was left was a screen shot of my Facebook ads, could Sherlock deduce what type of person I was and find my murderer (dun dun dun)?
...a slightly morbid and strange thought I admit, but have you read the rest of my blog?
I asked my tech savvy friend how Facebook ads worked and she told me that they will use your picture on third party sites and other information so that the ads are more tailored to you and your friends. Thanks, Facebook for doing me that favor even though I didn't ask and don't want it. Your profile pic could be the face of gettestedforherpesnow.org and you'd never know it.
Looking at my own Facebook ads in a Sherlockian way, I can deduce that:
-I either drink/do drugs too much or have friends that drink/do drugs way too much, have a shitty job ("Become an addiction counselor!", "Be a pre-birth tech in SC")
-I have good taste in TV and movies ("Princess Bride shirts!", "Watch 'Angry Boys' on HBO this Sunday", "30 Rock tonight on the CW at 10:00!")
-I like tasty gummy snacks ("Welch's Fruit Snacks!")
-I lean to the left politically ("Pass the jobs bill!")
-I shop...a lot (ModCloth, Target, Juicy Couture Push-up Bras, Victorias Secret...the list goes embarrassingly on. Wait. Does Facebook think I have small boobs?).
Gmail chose to judge me in other ways. It thinks I'm really fucking poor ("Stop Payday Loans Now!", "Nonprofit Debt Counseling". There are so many of these. Facebook and gmail are holding an intervention via ads to make me confront my shopaholic habits) but knows that I want to travel ("Cheap Flights to Israel!", "Club Med 50% off!").
I am taking a stand to not let third party advertisers backhandedly judge me anymore. Come at me, Bro! I know the secret to keeping my info private now. I urge everyone to say no to the big whigs at corporations who try to subliminally make you think you need a cake ball maker or whatever. Just one click. Say no to advertisers. Fight for your rights. Be strong. Semper Fidelis. Carpe Diem. I seem to have lost my train of thought.
...or you could probably just ignore the ads and be ok.
...a slightly morbid and strange thought I admit, but have you read the rest of my blog?
I asked my tech savvy friend how Facebook ads worked and she told me that they will use your picture on third party sites and other information so that the ads are more tailored to you and your friends. Thanks, Facebook for doing me that favor even though I didn't ask and don't want it. Your profile pic could be the face of gettestedforherpesnow.org and you'd never know it.
Looking at my own Facebook ads in a Sherlockian way, I can deduce that:
-I either drink/do drugs too much or have friends that drink/do drugs way too much, have a shitty job ("Become an addiction counselor!", "Be a pre-birth tech in SC")
-I have good taste in TV and movies ("Princess Bride shirts!", "Watch 'Angry Boys' on HBO this Sunday", "30 Rock tonight on the CW at 10:00!")
-I like tasty gummy snacks ("Welch's Fruit Snacks!")
-I lean to the left politically ("Pass the jobs bill!")
-I shop...a lot (ModCloth, Target, Juicy Couture Push-up Bras, Victorias Secret...the list goes embarrassingly on. Wait. Does Facebook think I have small boobs?).
Gmail chose to judge me in other ways. It thinks I'm really fucking poor ("Stop Payday Loans Now!", "Nonprofit Debt Counseling". There are so many of these. Facebook and gmail are holding an intervention via ads to make me confront my shopaholic habits) but knows that I want to travel ("Cheap Flights to Israel!", "Club Med 50% off!").
I am taking a stand to not let third party advertisers backhandedly judge me anymore. Come at me, Bro! I know the secret to keeping my info private now. I urge everyone to say no to the big whigs at corporations who try to subliminally make you think you need a cake ball maker or whatever. Just one click. Say no to advertisers. Fight for your rights. Be strong. Semper Fidelis. Carpe Diem. I seem to have lost my train of thought.
...or you could probably just ignore the ads and be ok.