LAST DAY AT THE STATEHOUSE!!!!

So if you couldn't tell by the caps and the multiple exclamation points, I'm pretty stoked that this is my last day at the Statehouse. This doesn't mean that I'm not a teensy bit nostalgic. If this were a tv show (it really should be) and this was the series finale, they would bring back all the old characters for a giant party in my honor: the intern and friend who got me this job, the one other page that I actually like, the other page who used to speak legalees to the constituents and later went on to Harvard Law School (read: DOUCHE), and the lawyer who became a judge who still gets his mail sent here. But alas, this is not a tv show, it's my so-called life (without Jordan Catalano?!?). Instead of a grand party, I did the same thing I do pretty much everyday: arrive 3-4 minutes late, park illegally in the garage, make the coffee, check facebook, have an awkward bathroom run-in with a co-worker while I try desperately to poo silently as she talks about the construction in the building, blog, check the senator's ancient voicemail that has no vocal cues just morse code-like beeps, and wait patiently for the phone to ring while I fuck around on the internet.

There are a few things I will miss about this place though...

-Ms. Joanie's outdated colloquialisms (the bees knees, the cat's pajamas, golly day etc.)
-using tap water instead of the spring water to make the coffee because no one can tell the difference
-reading the senator's mail. Especially the Republican club newsletters from his "lady friend" that have these horrible jokes poking fun of Democrats.
-The comments section of the annual constituent surveys. Constituents say the darndest things about how Obama is going to ruin the planet and how we should abolish all taxes forever.
-Seeing Ms. Joanie's exasperated face as she hears that Bobby Caution is calling in sick again (as she rolls into the office at noon).
-the 3 pm sugar rushes after yet another staff birthday cake
-watching everyone walk around with their buttholes clenched because the Senator is here (especially Bobby Caution)

And there are few things I won't miss...

-the paralyzing boredom that comes after sitting in the same chair for hours on end with nothing to do but stare at a computer screen
-the crazy constituent phone calls that aren't short and sweet. They're long and annoying as shit, which I realize is not the opposite as sweet but just...ok?
-When people are "too busy" to walk their papers from one room to the next room so I become their room-to-room courier. Don' they get that they end up waiting longer for a response?
-it's 100 degrees outside and I'm dripping sweat from getting everyone's lunches only to realize the sandwich place didn't give me pickles and I die of a heatstroke trying to run back.
-Going to the Senate Chambers to deliver a message to Senator X only to realize that every single senator in there looks like Senator X because they are all old white dudes (there are two or three black men and no women).
-When I finally find Senator X and he doesn't acknowledge my presence.
-Walking to almost every room in the six floor office to deliver a flyer saying that a meeting has been changed when the same thing could have been accomplished without wasting paper or time by using this new fangled thing called e-mail.

Both lists could go on and on (mostly the one about the stuff I won't miss) but I really will miss Ms. Joanie. She has always been so sweet and supportive; like the slightly judgmental grandmother I never had.

Statehouse, we've had a good run. It's been real, it's been fun...I wouldn't say it's been real fun but it's been interesting. I'm off like a prom dress!


**Amendment: Ms. Joanie gave me a going away present which included Palmetto stationary, $20 for a nice meal out and an appointment book from the Chinese consulate that got sent to the Senator. I think she knows I stole the invitation to the Emperor of Japan's birthday party. Whoops.  Also she knows I'm Chinese.