The detox plan, day 2

TOTALLY KILLIN THIS DETOX.

Psych. I'm not killing it. I have absolutely no energy for anything. Maybe I've just stumbled upon an alternative form of punishment for convicted felons. Just make them detox. They won't have any energy to gang rape anyone, shiv anyone or earn degrees through the mail.


I woke up early this morning hungry, but I was too weak to actually do anything about it. I stayed in bed and watched the season premier of "Mad Men" until my stomach started to make angry sounds at me. I went to the fridge to make a smoothie, but I was too tired and got another one of my carrot/grapefruit/apple/ginger juices. After my juice, a curious thing happened. I started to fall asleep while watching "Game of Thrones" (clearly, it was not a productive morning), but I felt like I was drunk and had the spins. Both fatigue and headache (check and check) are common detox symptoms but no one warned me that I would feel the bad parts of getting drunk. While I was in my hazy detrunk nap, I had a dream within a dream about eating massive classic Lay's potato chips. I woke up completely disoriented and headachey and in desperate need of comically large chips, preferably Doritos (even in my dreams I can't have the chips I want). I ate pistachios instead. I now hate pistachios. I also took a smoothie to work which had mixed berries, pineapple, apple juice and spirulina in it. "The fuck is that?" you ask? click the link. I'm too tired to explain it. I'm still getting the proportions of the smoothies and the juice down so I put way too much spirulina in it which prompted my co-worker to say, "what is that prune smell? are you drinking prune slushie?" Cool, the reception room now smells like a retirement home.

I did make a discovery last night though. I can make popcorn on the stove if I don't put butter or other shit on it. Hallelujah! Instead, I used vegetable oil and topped it with some seasoned salt, garlic powder and pepper. I'll probably have a salad tonight with some balsamic vinegar and oil and to finish it off, a lobotomy so I can forget that I'm doing this. "Whole Living" seems to think that by day 3 or 4, most of your fatigue and headache should be gone. I wonder if my junk food dreams will go away too. I hope not. It's all I have left to hold on to...ahhh memories.