The detox plan, day 5

So, it's a Friday night. What are you, gentle readers, doing on this fine evening? Dinner? Drinks? Sounds really fun. I can't really do those anymore, at least not for the next 16 days. In addition to feeling lightheaded, the fatigue, the faint grumbling noises from my stomach that I hear all the time, and only being able to eat rabbit food, I now realize I can't really hang out with my friends who are not on this detox diet, which leaves exactly two people that I can be around. It made me realize how much my social life revolves around eating and drinking. Oh hey, old friend! Long time, no see! Wanna grab a coffee and catch up? OH wait. I mean, wanna grab a hot water and lemon and catch up? Sounds appealing, right? Not that my entire social life is centered around food and alcohol, but it tends to show up in one way or another. Let's say I want to go see my friend's band, I want to have a drink. Just one to sip on. I can't even have a tonic water. Nope, it's tap all the way for me! Or hanging out at a friends house. Would you like a snack? I made all your favorite foods and Ryan Gosling will serve it to you shirtless. No? Really? None for you? Oh right, you're detoxing. My bad. The Gos will only be in town for the next 16 days exactly and all he wants to do is eat paninis and giant bowls of macaroni and cheese while watching "Gilmore Girls". It's ok, we'll totally catch up next time, The Gos.

If I was Queen of the Americas and I wanted to detox, I would make everyone detox with me. There would be no temptation anywhere. Movie theaters would start overcharging people for grapes and beet juice and all the Chick-fil-a's would just go on vacation for 21 days. The nation would be health crazy by law! Tomato paste is no longer a vegetable, people of the Americas! Sales of veggies and fruits would shoot up and the farmer would become big man on campus. Everyone wins! Except when there aren't enough fruit and veggies to go around and then children will battle in a televised post-apocalyptic fight to the death in order to feed their district. It shall be called, "The Hunger Games". Naahhh, that would never happen.