The detox plan, the preface

A few months ago, Whole Living magazine featured an entire detox plan to get you on the right track for the new year. Because I am chronically late, I am trying it now. I've recruited my roommate and my other friend for support (read: bitch about self-induced starvation to each other) during these trying times.

I know what you're thinking. You're going to live off of that disgusting water/lemon juice/cayenne/honey nonsense for weeks? Doesn't Dr. Oz warn against those cleanses? Won't you miss eating? Why? Just, why?

To answer your questions:
1. NO. That Master Cleanse bullshit is a hit or miss. Mostly miss because you are actually starving yourself. Also, if you were the loony that came up with this piss water concoction, how presumptuous is it to call your cleanse the "Master Cleanse"? Are there disciple cleanses? "Master" is reserved for ninjas and the season 1 Buffy villain.

2. Let's get this out of the way: Fuck Dr. Oz. He is medical fear journalism incarnate. Yes, we know that everything will give you cancer. But can't we just drink our apple juice in peace without having to ask if there is extra arsenic in it? And those dumb headlines: THE TOP TEN THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW WERE MAKING YOU FAT. Boy, if I had a nickle every time I heard one of those promos, I'd have enough to buy an apple juice factory and drink all the arsenic I want. End of Dr. Oz rant. Back on topic though, yeah he does warn against the cleanses, but we're talking the aforementioned bullshit Master Cleanse.

3. I will miss eating all the things that are horribly bad for my body but that's kind of the point. I'm checking myself into food rehab. Here's the breakdown of my cleanse...
For three weeks, I will cut out six things from my diet: Processed food or beverages, added sugar, dairy, gluten, caffeine, and alcohol. So far so good, right?

During week 1 I get : fruits, vegetables, and plant-based fats, including nuts, seeds, and oils 
Adding back in Week 2: seafood, beans and lentils, and organic soy 
Adding back in Week 3: gluten-free grains and eggs

Week one will kind of suck. I'm anticipating a lot of cranky, tired days and 8:00 bedtimes. But according to the cleanse, that's to be expected then by week 2, I should be feeling back to normal. By week 3, I should be feeling energetic, light, confident, and ready to conquer the world! You know, like the women in tampon commercials.

4. Why, you ask? Why not? But in all seriousness, to lose weight, to start cooking again, to stop myself from eating out all the time and to enjoy good, honest food.

I'm going to try to chronicle the detox day by day, or at least every other day. I start next Monday, so until then it's my last hurrah for bad foods. Entire tray of chick-fil-a nuggets, here I come! Just kidding, I'm sharing!