WELCOME LADIES!!!!

One of the many reasons why I'm sure I'm an old man trapped in a 25 year old woman's body is that when I thought about how much I really don't like my new retail job, I tried to rationalize not quitting by sternly telling myself "it builds character!"

You're probably thinking, "wow, how groundbreaking! This girl doesn't like her retail job! Does she also not like Hitler?" Admittedly, it's not a novel perspective, but whatever you're reading my blog. But here's the thing--the majority of the people with whom I work with actually enjoy the soul-sucking hell that is retail. Here are a few things that I've noticed about the people who like working retail a.k.a an O.C.D. sufferer's wet dream:

-They really take pride in spacing out the hangers 2 fingers apart.
-They won't stop steaming a garment until every minuscule wrinkle is gone.
-They don't mind yelling "WELCOME LADIES!!!" over the blaring Top 40 music, which to me is a verbal "shock and awe" military tactic.
- If they don't know where an item should go, they will spend an inordinate amount of time to find out where the item is supposed to be instead of taking an educated guess and moving on with their life.
-Like sharks, they never. stop. moving.
-And they do it in heels.
-They have perfected the judgmental-up-and-down-once-over-glance taking mental notes about how ugly your practical shoes are (that's really just my manager but he's a man so I feel like he's not allowed to say anything). See Blair Waldorf perfect the look below:

And I'm all:

Even though I do think their attention to detail is overkill, I would like to adopt that take-pride-in-your-work attitude. I know that part of my negativity is due to the fact that I've only been there for a week and I need to give it time but part of it is I just don't care. And that's the clincher--the majority of the others are studying fashion and want to do this for the rest of their lives. I, on the other hand, was walking down the street, saw they were hiring, and decided to throw my resume in the mix because I like to shop.

I incorrectly assumed that this staff would have the same attitude as I do. When I worked at the grocery store, the staff's collective weariness bonded us together. No one majored in Grocery Studies (minor in Kale Chips) in college, so most of the employees were just biding their time until something better came along. It created a camaraderie that pulled us through endless hours of scanning groceries and helped fool our clientele into thinking we enjoyed our jobs. And even though we weren't assaulting customers with kindness, I think people responded to our authenticity (anything to keep the terrible management off our backs). We entertained ourselves and if the customers wanted in on the fun, so much the better.

I think the key to pretending that I like this job is to play it out like a character. Below is a brilliant Maria Bamford bit that I feel like so perfectly captures the tone of my time working retail. The sudden shift from Real Maria to Fake Maria is basically how I greet customers. Enjoy!