Working at an autism clinic means you have to be able to cope with certain unsavory things...boogers, coughing, germs, sticky hands (kids seem to always have sticky hands), poops, and other general bodily fluids. I'm not very comfortable with the poops or the boogers to begin with, but there is something that trumps all of that: screaming. A sustained exposure to a child screaming/crying can cause hearing loss. At 90 decibels, OSHA requires that a factory provide hearing protection. A baby screaming is at 110 decibels. OSHA would shut this place down. Then Erin Brockovich will form a class action suit around us and all the people who work with children will be provided with free hearing aids, which we will all need at the ripe age of 42.
Anywho, on this particular day, one child was having a screaming/crying/yelling/throwing about to shit himself fit. It's an occupational hazard, but most fits last 5-10 mins. His lasted close to an hour. I'm surprised his vocal chords didn't give out. Or he didn't pass out from lack of oxygen. His mantra became, "NOOOOOOOOO JUST LET ME GOOOOOOOO I JUST WANT TO GO HOOOOOOOMMMEEE. GET AWAY FROM MEEEEEE I HATE YOU!!!!!" in that order. With that many Os. To be honest, sometimes I want to scream that when someone hands me a 5 inch binder full of billing papers and I am literally boob-high in paperwork but that's not "socially acceptable". After 20 minutes of the same phrases being screamed at the same ear piercing, OSHA-will-fine you level, I started to go a little crazy. I started to hear just sounds, not words, like if you say "fork" over and over again. It starts to sound funny. This kid started to sound like Chewbacca. Thank god I'm in my own separate room away from it all because I started making my own Chewbacca noises and laughing and well, it would not have been "socially acceptable" yet again. My own mantras became "be nice to children" and "no mocking children with Chewbacca noises." I think I'll write those on post-it notes and put them up on my mirror so I am reminded of that every day before I go to work. And a note to find an herbal supplement that will make me more compassionate. Maybe an antioxidant...Whatever I'll just drink more green tea.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Please only refer to me as Dinky Bubble Pants Rawr Rawr
Here's a real laugh/cry moment, folks. Remember when we were kids and we read books and played outside for fun? Now tweens have the internet and make up quizzes about what your stripper name will be or if you would survive as a dragon (both real, sadly). Here are my names if I was anything but a real human being living in this reality:
Blues: Texas Killer Bailey
Stripper: Isis Glitter-Ridge
Lord of the Rings: Svelvan of the Afterborn
Spirit: Brittnia (just. what?)
Cartoon Character: Dinky Bubble Pants
Unicorn: Rawr Rawr (unicorns have gotten more fierce, apparently. At least this unicorn is. OH SNAP)
My bored friend's names were far more horrendous than mine. In the same order:
Blind Bones Davis
Cinnamon Leather-Hiney (omg so gross)
Nongwen Orc-Death
Crystal
Squeezeit Apple Chunks
Bluebell Blue Nostrils
If I was the parent of a teen now, I would never let my kid have a computer or tv in their room. Jesus, look what they spend their time doing. All they do is make up non-educational quizzes and to add insult to injury, they have the WORST grammar. The U.S. public school system has FAILED. Miserably. Best case scenario, this is poorly made computer program. Case in point:
"A wounded dragon on the edge of death is in your cave, what would you do!?"
A. Kill them!!
B. Sit by their side and watch them die with symphony in your eyes.
C. Get some cob webs and water to help their wounds. Te=hen fetch then some food and try to make friends with them.
Well, clearly cob webs and water to help with their wounds. And when that doesn't work BECAUSE THAT'S NOT ANYTHING, watch them die with symphony in your eyes. P.S. the name of the quiz is "Would you survive as a dragon?" YOU.
I fully acknowledge that by taking these quizzes that I am both wasting moments of my life that I will never get back and giving these websites more hits and therefore validation of their existence, but I am an adult with a fully formed brain. 12 year-old kids still got a ways to go. They are so vulnerable to the YouTube/reality show age of "It's so funny because it's dumb!" excuse for reading this shit and watching that shit. What I'm saying is, just go read a book (that isn't Twilight). Seriously. Why are you still reading this blog? Go!
Blues: Texas Killer Bailey
Stripper: Isis Glitter-Ridge
Lord of the Rings: Svelvan of the Afterborn
Spirit: Brittnia (just. what?)
Cartoon Character: Dinky Bubble Pants
Unicorn: Rawr Rawr (unicorns have gotten more fierce, apparently. At least this unicorn is. OH SNAP)
My bored friend's names were far more horrendous than mine. In the same order:
Blind Bones Davis
Cinnamon Leather-Hiney (omg so gross)
Nongwen Orc-Death
Crystal
Squeezeit Apple Chunks
Bluebell Blue Nostrils
If I was the parent of a teen now, I would never let my kid have a computer or tv in their room. Jesus, look what they spend their time doing. All they do is make up non-educational quizzes and to add insult to injury, they have the WORST grammar. The U.S. public school system has FAILED. Miserably. Best case scenario, this is poorly made computer program. Case in point:
"A wounded dragon on the edge of death is in your cave, what would you do!?"
A. Kill them!!
B. Sit by their side and watch them die with symphony in your eyes.
C. Get some cob webs and water to help their wounds. Te=hen fetch then some food and try to make friends with them.
Well, clearly cob webs and water to help with their wounds. And when that doesn't work BECAUSE THAT'S NOT ANYTHING, watch them die with symphony in your eyes. P.S. the name of the quiz is "Would you survive as a dragon?" YOU.
I fully acknowledge that by taking these quizzes that I am both wasting moments of my life that I will never get back and giving these websites more hits and therefore validation of their existence, but I am an adult with a fully formed brain. 12 year-old kids still got a ways to go. They are so vulnerable to the YouTube/reality show age of "It's so funny because it's dumb!" excuse for reading this shit and watching that shit. What I'm saying is, just go read a book (that isn't Twilight). Seriously. Why are you still reading this blog? Go!
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Best. Dinner. Party. Ever.
Last night on Jimmy Fallon's show, Tina Fey was on promoting her new season of "30 Rock" (could not be more psyched. Psychedness levels are off the charts.) so obviously, I watched the clips of her interview on Hulu. There was this segment where Tina, Jimmy, and two randos from the audience play speed celebrity. This is probably one of the best games ever and a godsend for people like me who are very pop culturally aware and suck at pictionary.
Anyway, Jimmy and Tina were champs and the two randos were ok, but I'm pretty sure I would have gotten it when Tina points to her arms like a body builder and then waves in a very stately, graceful manner. "MICHELLE OBAMA!," I would scream. And then she'd give me one of those we're-totally-on-the-same-wavelength looks. And when Jimmy stood still and looked like a catatonic patient at a mental ward and then gave the same stately, graceful wave I would have shouted "MITT ROMNEY!!" because we're buds who think alike. This is all happening at my dream dinner party, of course. Maybe some people want to have the Dalai Lama and Einstein at their dream dinner party, but I wanna have some good clean fun. You know that Einstein did some crazy shit in his day.
Potential (and on-going) list of invites to the best dinner party ever:
1. Tina Fey
2. Jimmy Fallon
3. Amy Poehler
4. Kristen Wiig
5. Will Ferrell
6. Jon Stewart
7. Stephen Colbert
8. Ron Swanson
9. Jack Donaghy
10. Tobias Funke
11. Steve Carell
12. John Krasinski
13. Zooey Deschanel
14. Paula Deen (I'm not cooking. Also I think she can give me tips on how to glue on fake eyelashes)
15. Michael Kors (for bitchy comments only)
16. The Muppets. All of them. But especially the crotchity old guys who comment from the balcony.
17. Borat
18. David Sedaris
19. Seth Meyers
20. Anderson Cooper
21. Emma Stone
22. God (This is the best dinner party ever. I'm gonna snub God?)
So this is how it's gonna go down: Everyone arrives in a party bus so no one is awkwardly early or rudely late. Some amuse bouches on my back porch overlooking the Mediterranean ocean, then onto the main event inside my large, but cozy house. The table is set by the home decor buyer for Anthropologie. (S)he has created a special table for me that mixes people's seats up without physically moving at 20 minute intervals so everyone gets to talk to everyone. The iPod shuffle for dinner parties. Paula Deen has made a 5 course dinner of deep fried goodness (but she's taken out all the calories for me). For dessert, an ice cream bar served by the butler in "Home Alone 2: Lost in New York". Two scoops? Make it three, I'm not driving. After dinner, we will all feel comfortably full and adjourn to the living room for the other main event, Celebrity. Maybe we break out into song during our rowdy game of Celebrity (I'm looking at you, Zooey Deschanel). Candid polaroids will be taken throughout the night. And then a group shot at the end of the night (to be posted on Facebook the next morning). Goody bags will include a picture frame with the group shot in it and decorated with each of their names in puffy paint. Also a genie lamp that grants them one wish (but honestly they already got the picture frame decorated with puffy paint so what else is there?). Everyone heads back on the party bus exhausted but exhilarated.
END OF BEST DINNER PARTY EVER.
Anyway, Jimmy and Tina were champs and the two randos were ok, but I'm pretty sure I would have gotten it when Tina points to her arms like a body builder and then waves in a very stately, graceful manner. "MICHELLE OBAMA!," I would scream. And then she'd give me one of those we're-totally-on-the-same-wavelength looks. And when Jimmy stood still and looked like a catatonic patient at a mental ward and then gave the same stately, graceful wave I would have shouted "MITT ROMNEY!!" because we're buds who think alike. This is all happening at my dream dinner party, of course. Maybe some people want to have the Dalai Lama and Einstein at their dream dinner party, but I wanna have some good clean fun. You know that Einstein did some crazy shit in his day.
Potential (and on-going) list of invites to the best dinner party ever:
1. Tina Fey
2. Jimmy Fallon
3. Amy Poehler
4. Kristen Wiig
5. Will Ferrell
6. Jon Stewart
7. Stephen Colbert
8. Ron Swanson
9. Jack Donaghy
10. Tobias Funke
11. Steve Carell
12. John Krasinski
13. Zooey Deschanel
14. Paula Deen (I'm not cooking. Also I think she can give me tips on how to glue on fake eyelashes)
15. Michael Kors (for bitchy comments only)
16. The Muppets. All of them. But especially the crotchity old guys who comment from the balcony.
17. Borat
18. David Sedaris
19. Seth Meyers
20. Anderson Cooper
21. Emma Stone
22. God (This is the best dinner party ever. I'm gonna snub God?)
So this is how it's gonna go down: Everyone arrives in a party bus so no one is awkwardly early or rudely late. Some amuse bouches on my back porch overlooking the Mediterranean ocean, then onto the main event inside my large, but cozy house. The table is set by the home decor buyer for Anthropologie. (S)he has created a special table for me that mixes people's seats up without physically moving at 20 minute intervals so everyone gets to talk to everyone. The iPod shuffle for dinner parties. Paula Deen has made a 5 course dinner of deep fried goodness (but she's taken out all the calories for me). For dessert, an ice cream bar served by the butler in "Home Alone 2: Lost in New York". Two scoops? Make it three, I'm not driving. After dinner, we will all feel comfortably full and adjourn to the living room for the other main event, Celebrity. Maybe we break out into song during our rowdy game of Celebrity (I'm looking at you, Zooey Deschanel). Candid polaroids will be taken throughout the night. And then a group shot at the end of the night (to be posted on Facebook the next morning). Goody bags will include a picture frame with the group shot in it and decorated with each of their names in puffy paint. Also a genie lamp that grants them one wish (but honestly they already got the picture frame decorated with puffy paint so what else is there?). Everyone heads back on the party bus exhausted but exhilarated.
END OF BEST DINNER PARTY EVER.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
It's been three days since I wrote about New Years resolutions. How's it going you ask? Terribly. I went to the gym, ate reasonably (except for that giant bag of honey mustard pretzels which was a hunger monster impulse purchase at the grocery store), haven't used any of my money in an irresponsible manner, and haven't been slutty. Oh well, I guess it's to be expected. How many people actually stick with their New Years resolutions? Show of hands? Nobody? Yeah, that's what I thought. So here's my beef with New Years resolutions:
1. They tend to be massive unattainable goals. When I was younger, I resolved to not procrastinate every year. On anything. Ever. Clearly, that's not a realistic goal. I took a 4 month break from this very blog for fuck's sake. a blog. But I'm back on track and it's not because it's a new calendar year.
2. After you set these unattainable goals, you inevitably fail. You feel guilty about not sticking to your goal, and maybe you gorge on raw brownie batter for not going to the gym twice a day every day like you promised yourself or something... You feel down on yourself and disappointed that you couldn't achieve what you set out to do. Set the bar low. Or, if it's a limbo bar, very high. Shaq high.
3. You can never have just one (not talking about pringles, folks but yeah those too). Most people have more than one thing they'd like to fix in their lives so of course they pile them on and hope they go down one by one like dominoes. It is for this same reason that I don't trust politicians. OH, you're going to fix the economy, education, stop war, AND cure cancer? sure.
4. Shouldn't resolutions start on your birthday? That's your new year after all.
5. Mainly I resent the fact that tradition pushes people to reflect on themselves with the express goal of finding something wrong to fix. And maybe the goal was already there, but New Years puts a ticking time bomb on it. The most common New Years goals are open ended goals like losing weight, quitting smoking, reducing debt, spending more time with family etc. but I think in those cases the motivation has to come from strong self-determination, some sort of epiphany or an outside deadline. New Years just isn't enough.
6. Remember when New Years was just a fun time when you got to stay up after midnight and drink sparkling cider from a fancy glass like a grown-up? Now it's yet another holiday that has a ton of expectations attached to it. Let's just enjoy the fact that we get the day off work and get to hang with our friends and family.
Tangent: I have never made a resolution on Chinese New Year, but I wonder if Jewish people make resolutions on Rosh Hashanah or Muslims on umm... Islamic New Year (call me culturally unaware. whatever). Is that a thing? Anyone know?
I do have my own grand goals, but they have nothing to do with New Years. I hope I will achieve them one day but I can guarantee you I will never look back and think "wow, I'm so glad I resolved to do that thing that one New Years." Cheers to setting that limbo bar Shaq high.
1. They tend to be massive unattainable goals. When I was younger, I resolved to not procrastinate every year. On anything. Ever. Clearly, that's not a realistic goal. I took a 4 month break from this very blog for fuck's sake. a blog. But I'm back on track and it's not because it's a new calendar year.
2. After you set these unattainable goals, you inevitably fail. You feel guilty about not sticking to your goal, and maybe you gorge on raw brownie batter for not going to the gym twice a day every day like you promised yourself or something... You feel down on yourself and disappointed that you couldn't achieve what you set out to do. Set the bar low. Or, if it's a limbo bar, very high. Shaq high.
3. You can never have just one (not talking about pringles, folks but yeah those too). Most people have more than one thing they'd like to fix in their lives so of course they pile them on and hope they go down one by one like dominoes. It is for this same reason that I don't trust politicians. OH, you're going to fix the economy, education, stop war, AND cure cancer? sure.
4. Shouldn't resolutions start on your birthday? That's your new year after all.
5. Mainly I resent the fact that tradition pushes people to reflect on themselves with the express goal of finding something wrong to fix. And maybe the goal was already there, but New Years puts a ticking time bomb on it. The most common New Years goals are open ended goals like losing weight, quitting smoking, reducing debt, spending more time with family etc. but I think in those cases the motivation has to come from strong self-determination, some sort of epiphany or an outside deadline. New Years just isn't enough.
6. Remember when New Years was just a fun time when you got to stay up after midnight and drink sparkling cider from a fancy glass like a grown-up? Now it's yet another holiday that has a ton of expectations attached to it. Let's just enjoy the fact that we get the day off work and get to hang with our friends and family.
Tangent: I have never made a resolution on Chinese New Year, but I wonder if Jewish people make resolutions on Rosh Hashanah or Muslims on umm... Islamic New Year (call me culturally unaware. whatever). Is that a thing? Anyone know?
I do have my own grand goals, but they have nothing to do with New Years. I hope I will achieve them one day but I can guarantee you I will never look back and think "wow, I'm so glad I resolved to do that thing that one New Years." Cheers to setting that limbo bar Shaq high.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Here's to 2012!
Hey ya'll 2012 has arrived! You know what that means right? APOCALYPSE NOW!! Seeing as the arrival of the end of the world is imminent, don't even bother with resolutions. Resolutions are kind of bogus anyway, but if you absolutely feel the need to resolute out of some weird habit, I propose you make them as hedonistic as possible. You're not gonna have to deal with the consequences next year anyhow. Here are mine:
1. Blow up like a balloon. I saw an infomercial for a furniture support that when put underneath couch cushions can hold up to 1000 lbs. The brilliant ad guys hired two sumo wrestlers, one weighing in at 400 lbs and the other at 600 lbs (that equals 1000 in case you were wondering) and had them sit on the couch to demonstrate the strength of these furniture supports. Then they high-fived each other for weighing a collective 1000 lbs and not breaking this couch. I strive to be one of these sumo wrestlers who also moonlights as a couch tester/actor (?). I feel like this is an attainable goal, unlike the Jenny Craig-ers and the Weight Watchers of the world. Tangent: if Sumo wrestlers couldn't sit on couches side by side before this product was made, how did sumo parties work? Just a whole lot of standing around or everyone sitting on the floor with no furniture at all?
2 and 3. Spend all my money and when that runs out (shortly), spend other people's money. I'll buy everything I always deemed too irresponsible to buy like Giselle and Tom Brady's mansion. I saw it, loved it, but was like nawww it's kind of out of my price range. Not anymore! It's also the perfect venue for my bitchin end of the world rager. So really, it's a good value. And right before the bank comes to repo the mansion, I plan on forming an all-star band of thieves a la "Ocean's 11" and stealing some of that Vegas money that I've been hearing about. Two things checked off my bucket list.
4. Mack on a whole bunch of guys. This one is for reals.
Eh, that's it. I don't want to over-commit myself. But if any opportunity arises that seems really inappropriate or immoral, I'm gonna jump on it. Basically anything that gets written into a Showtime show. Anything to add to my list of resolutions, loyal readers?
1. Blow up like a balloon. I saw an infomercial for a furniture support that when put underneath couch cushions can hold up to 1000 lbs. The brilliant ad guys hired two sumo wrestlers, one weighing in at 400 lbs and the other at 600 lbs (that equals 1000 in case you were wondering) and had them sit on the couch to demonstrate the strength of these furniture supports. Then they high-fived each other for weighing a collective 1000 lbs and not breaking this couch. I strive to be one of these sumo wrestlers who also moonlights as a couch tester/actor (?). I feel like this is an attainable goal, unlike the Jenny Craig-ers and the Weight Watchers of the world. Tangent: if Sumo wrestlers couldn't sit on couches side by side before this product was made, how did sumo parties work? Just a whole lot of standing around or everyone sitting on the floor with no furniture at all?
2 and 3. Spend all my money and when that runs out (shortly), spend other people's money. I'll buy everything I always deemed too irresponsible to buy like Giselle and Tom Brady's mansion. I saw it, loved it, but was like nawww it's kind of out of my price range. Not anymore! It's also the perfect venue for my bitchin end of the world rager. So really, it's a good value. And right before the bank comes to repo the mansion, I plan on forming an all-star band of thieves a la "Ocean's 11" and stealing some of that Vegas money that I've been hearing about. Two things checked off my bucket list.
4. Mack on a whole bunch of guys. This one is for reals.
Eh, that's it. I don't want to over-commit myself. But if any opportunity arises that seems really inappropriate or immoral, I'm gonna jump on it. Basically anything that gets written into a Showtime show. Anything to add to my list of resolutions, loyal readers?