So, it's a Friday night. What are you, gentle readers, doing on this fine evening? Dinner? Drinks? Sounds really fun. I can't really do those anymore, at least not for the next 16 days. In addition to feeling lightheaded, the fatigue, the faint grumbling noises from my stomach that I hear all the time, and only being able to eat rabbit food, I now realize I can't really hang out with my friends who are not on this detox diet, which leaves exactly two people that I can be around. It made me realize how much my social life revolves around eating and drinking. Oh hey, old friend! Long time, no see! Wanna grab a coffee and catch up? OH wait. I mean, wanna grab a hot water and lemon and catch up? Sounds appealing, right? Not that my entire social life is centered around food and alcohol, but it tends to show up in one way or another. Let's say I want to go see my friend's band, I want to have a drink. Just one to sip on. I can't even have a tonic water. Nope, it's tap all the way for me! Or hanging out at a friends house. Would you like a snack? I made all your favorite foods and Ryan Gosling will serve it to you shirtless. No? Really? None for you? Oh right, you're detoxing. My bad. The Gos will only be in town for the next 16 days exactly and all he wants to do is eat paninis and giant bowls of macaroni and cheese while watching "Gilmore Girls". It's ok, we'll totally catch up next time, The Gos.
If I was Queen of the Americas and I wanted to detox, I would make everyone detox with me. There would be no temptation anywhere. Movie theaters would start overcharging people for grapes and beet juice and all the Chick-fil-a's would just go on vacation for 21 days. The nation would be health crazy by law! Tomato paste is no longer a vegetable, people of the Americas! Sales of veggies and fruits would shoot up and the farmer would become big man on campus. Everyone wins! Except when there aren't enough fruit and veggies to go around and then children will battle in a televised post-apocalyptic fight to the death in order to feed their district. It shall be called, "The Hunger Games". Naahhh, that would never happen.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Thursday, March 29, 2012
The detox plan, day 4
Day 4 started out well. I tried taking a sleeping pill last night around 10:30 so that instead of constantly thinking about spaghetti and meatballs, I would just sleep through the cravings, like a real addict. Well that didn't work. It took me over an hour to fall asleep but I did wake up pretty refreshed and energetic. I did the dishes AND laundry, which on a regular day is a lot of housework for me. But when I drove to work, BAM! My old friend fatigue showed up. I ate my lunch (an apple with a carrot/apple/beet/ginger juice) and felt a little better but once I started walking around a lot I got a little lightheaded. I think if I ever pursue my rap star dreams, my name will be Lil Lightheaded. My first single will be "NO JUDGEMENT" and I'll have my very own dance move where you just sway your head back and forth kind of drunkenly, while you body stays still. My album cover will feature a Bojangles french fry box fighting an apple. Other chart-topping hits include, "Sit Yo Ass Down", "Put Yo Head Between Yo Knees", and "Drink Dis Sassy Water". If you're unfamiliar, sassy water is lemon and cucumber water made popular by the "Skinny Girl" diet, or the "Sassy Girl" diet. Whatever.
Oh yeah, back to reality. Today, a co-worker had a meatball sub from Firehouse and my nose led me to it-on the other side of the building. In addition to being lightheaded, my sense of smell has been heightened to lead me to all the delicious food I cannot eat. These sweet potato fries will be my savior. I had them for dinner last night and breakfast this morning. Even though I want them for dinner, I will probably make this avocado, cherry tomato, bell pepper salad that has lemon, cayenne pepper, and cilantro in it. Who am I kidding? I'll probably still have the sweet potato fries. Lil Lightheaded out!
Oh yeah, back to reality. Today, a co-worker had a meatball sub from Firehouse and my nose led me to it-on the other side of the building. In addition to being lightheaded, my sense of smell has been heightened to lead me to all the delicious food I cannot eat. These sweet potato fries will be my savior. I had them for dinner last night and breakfast this morning. Even though I want them for dinner, I will probably make this avocado, cherry tomato, bell pepper salad that has lemon, cayenne pepper, and cilantro in it. Who am I kidding? I'll probably still have the sweet potato fries. Lil Lightheaded out!
The detox plan, day 3
I've pretty much made it through day 3 with no headache or junk food dreams but I'm still tired all the time. I had a carrot/apple/beet juice this morning and some popcorn. What? you never had pizza for breakfast? No judgement! The PMS bitchiness is my new symptom for the day. It's like getting a surprise you never asked for or wanted. The same kid who had Bojangles on Monday had it again and I almost snatched it out of his hand for throwing a french fry on the ground. HOW DARE YOU. There are starving people (in this room) who would love to have those fries.
In other news, I made a rubber band ball at work instead of doing actual work.
Also, I realized that I could kind of make sweet potato fries in the oven. They had chipotle on them. Nuff said. But I did cheat just a teensy tiny bit. I had ketchup. But it was organic! and only had a tiny bit of extra sugar in it! Didn't we already talk about no judgement?! Also, don't judge me for writing about day 3 of the detox on day 4. So, if you didn't already deduce what the theme of this post is, it's NO JUDGEMENT.
In other news, I made a rubber band ball at work instead of doing actual work.
Also, I realized that I could kind of make sweet potato fries in the oven. They had chipotle on them. Nuff said. But I did cheat just a teensy tiny bit. I had ketchup. But it was organic! and only had a tiny bit of extra sugar in it! Didn't we already talk about no judgement?! Also, don't judge me for writing about day 3 of the detox on day 4. So, if you didn't already deduce what the theme of this post is, it's NO JUDGEMENT.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
The detox plan, day 2
TOTALLY KILLIN THIS DETOX.
Psych. I'm not killing it. I have absolutely no energy for anything. Maybe I've just stumbled upon an alternative form of punishment for convicted felons. Just make them detox. They won't have any energy to gang rape anyone, shiv anyone or earn degrees through the mail.
I woke up early this morning hungry, but I was too weak to actually do anything about it. I stayed in bed and watched the season premier of "Mad Men" until my stomach started to make angry sounds at me. I went to the fridge to make a smoothie, but I was too tired and got another one of my carrot/grapefruit/apple/ginger juices. After my juice, a curious thing happened. I started to fall asleep while watching "Game of Thrones" (clearly, it was not a productive morning), but I felt like I was drunk and had the spins. Both fatigue and headache (check and check) are common detox symptoms but no one warned me that I would feel the bad parts of getting drunk. While I was in my hazy detrunk nap, I had a dream within a dream about eating massive classic Lay's potato chips. I woke up completely disoriented and headachey and in desperate need of comically large chips, preferably Doritos (even in my dreams I can't have the chips I want). I ate pistachios instead. I now hate pistachios. I also took a smoothie to work which had mixed berries, pineapple, apple juice and spirulina in it. "The fuck is that?" you ask? click the link. I'm too tired to explain it. I'm still getting the proportions of the smoothies and the juice down so I put way too much spirulina in it which prompted my co-worker to say, "what is that prune smell? are you drinking prune slushie?" Cool, the reception room now smells like a retirement home.
I did make a discovery last night though. I can make popcorn on the stove if I don't put butter or other shit on it. Hallelujah! Instead, I used vegetable oil and topped it with some seasoned salt, garlic powder and pepper. I'll probably have a salad tonight with some balsamic vinegar and oil and to finish it off, a lobotomy so I can forget that I'm doing this. "Whole Living" seems to think that by day 3 or 4, most of your fatigue and headache should be gone. I wonder if my junk food dreams will go away too. I hope not. It's all I have left to hold on to...ahhh memories.
Psych. I'm not killing it. I have absolutely no energy for anything. Maybe I've just stumbled upon an alternative form of punishment for convicted felons. Just make them detox. They won't have any energy to gang rape anyone, shiv anyone or earn degrees through the mail.
I woke up early this morning hungry, but I was too weak to actually do anything about it. I stayed in bed and watched the season premier of "Mad Men" until my stomach started to make angry sounds at me. I went to the fridge to make a smoothie, but I was too tired and got another one of my carrot/grapefruit/apple/ginger juices. After my juice, a curious thing happened. I started to fall asleep while watching "Game of Thrones" (clearly, it was not a productive morning), but I felt like I was drunk and had the spins. Both fatigue and headache (check and check) are common detox symptoms but no one warned me that I would feel the bad parts of getting drunk. While I was in my hazy detrunk nap, I had a dream within a dream about eating massive classic Lay's potato chips. I woke up completely disoriented and headachey and in desperate need of comically large chips, preferably Doritos (even in my dreams I can't have the chips I want). I ate pistachios instead. I now hate pistachios. I also took a smoothie to work which had mixed berries, pineapple, apple juice and spirulina in it. "The fuck is that?" you ask? click the link. I'm too tired to explain it. I'm still getting the proportions of the smoothies and the juice down so I put way too much spirulina in it which prompted my co-worker to say, "what is that prune smell? are you drinking prune slushie?" Cool, the reception room now smells like a retirement home.
I did make a discovery last night though. I can make popcorn on the stove if I don't put butter or other shit on it. Hallelujah! Instead, I used vegetable oil and topped it with some seasoned salt, garlic powder and pepper. I'll probably have a salad tonight with some balsamic vinegar and oil and to finish it off, a lobotomy so I can forget that I'm doing this. "Whole Living" seems to think that by day 3 or 4, most of your fatigue and headache should be gone. I wonder if my junk food dreams will go away too. I hope not. It's all I have left to hold on to...ahhh memories.
Monday, March 26, 2012
The detox plan, Day 1
This past weekend I drank and ate like a sailor on leave. Every meal seemed like my last. I fit in all my favorites: burgers, fries, pizza, alcohol, sushi, fasian food (fake asian, for those of you not in the know), and more alcohol. Then, D-Day arrived.
I started the morning with a carrot/grapefruit/apple/ginger juice, which was very tasty but a far reach from my usual cereal/banana combo that I usually eat. I had energy, went to the gym and was feeling good. I was feeling empowered. Look at me! Ignoring my cravings! Energized! Ready to work! A little stomach grumble? Nothing I can't handle! Then kids started filing into the clinic one by one holding bags of fast food. I became angrier with every whiff of delicious golden french fries. If I had been exposed to radiation, I would have Hulked right out of my stylish pants and stolen those kids' fries. After some surprisingly violent thoughts, I re-grouped and ate some pistachios and almonds. I returned to pre-Hulk consciousness and to work.
4:00 rolls around and somehow I fell asleep. At my desk. In the middle of data entry. Thank god I'm in the reception room by myself. I don't think "well, I'm doing a detox" will cut it if someone sees me asleep.
I have an hour until I go home, crawl into my bed and dream of ice cream and doritos. Until then, here's hoping that I don't assault a child for eating his/her meal. Happy detoxing!
I started the morning with a carrot/grapefruit/apple/ginger juice, which was very tasty but a far reach from my usual cereal/banana combo that I usually eat. I had energy, went to the gym and was feeling good. I was feeling empowered. Look at me! Ignoring my cravings! Energized! Ready to work! A little stomach grumble? Nothing I can't handle! Then kids started filing into the clinic one by one holding bags of fast food. I became angrier with every whiff of delicious golden french fries. If I had been exposed to radiation, I would have Hulked right out of my stylish pants and stolen those kids' fries. After some surprisingly violent thoughts, I re-grouped and ate some pistachios and almonds. I returned to pre-Hulk consciousness and to work.
4:00 rolls around and somehow I fell asleep. At my desk. In the middle of data entry. Thank god I'm in the reception room by myself. I don't think "well, I'm doing a detox" will cut it if someone sees me asleep.
I have an hour until I go home, crawl into my bed and dream of ice cream and doritos. Until then, here's hoping that I don't assault a child for eating his/her meal. Happy detoxing!
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
The detox plan, the preface
A few months ago, Whole Living magazine featured an entire detox plan to get you on the right track for the new year. Because I am chronically late, I am trying it now. I've recruited my roommate and my other friend for support (read: bitch about self-induced starvation to each other) during these trying times.
I know what you're thinking. You're going to live off of that disgusting water/lemon juice/cayenne/honey nonsense for weeks? Doesn't Dr. Oz warn against those cleanses? Won't you miss eating? Why? Just, why?
To answer your questions:
1. NO. That Master Cleanse bullshit is a hit or miss. Mostly miss because you are actually starving yourself. Also, if you were the loony that came up with this piss water concoction, how presumptuous is it to call your cleanse the "Master Cleanse"? Are there disciple cleanses? "Master" is reserved for ninjas and the season 1 Buffy villain.
2. Let's get this out of the way: Fuck Dr. Oz. He is medical fear journalism incarnate. Yes, we know that everything will give you cancer. But can't we just drink our apple juice in peace without having to ask if there is extra arsenic in it? And those dumb headlines: THE TOP TEN THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW WERE MAKING YOU FAT. Boy, if I had a nickle every time I heard one of those promos, I'd have enough to buy an apple juice factory and drink all the arsenic I want. End of Dr. Oz rant. Back on topic though, yeah he does warn against the cleanses, but we're talking the aforementioned bullshit Master Cleanse.
3. I will miss eating all the things that are horribly bad for my body but that's kind of the point. I'm checking myself into food rehab. Here's the breakdown of my cleanse...
For three weeks, I will cut out six things from my diet: Processed food or beverages, added sugar, dairy, gluten, caffeine, and alcohol. So far so good, right?
During week 1 I get : fruits, vegetables, and plant-based fats, including nuts, seeds, and oils
Adding back in Week 2: seafood, beans and lentils, and organic soy
Adding back in Week 3: gluten-free grains and eggs
Week one will kind of suck. I'm anticipating a lot of cranky, tired days and 8:00 bedtimes. But according to the cleanse, that's to be expected then by week 2, I should be feeling back to normal. By week 3, I should be feeling energetic, light, confident, and ready to conquer the world! You know, like the women in tampon commercials.
4. Why, you ask? Why not? But in all seriousness, to lose weight, to start cooking again, to stop myself from eating out all the time and to enjoy good, honest food.
I'm going to try to chronicle the detox day by day, or at least every other day. I start next Monday, so until then it's my last hurrah for bad foods. Entire tray of chick-fil-a nuggets, here I come! Just kidding, I'm sharing!
I know what you're thinking. You're going to live off of that disgusting water/lemon juice/cayenne/honey nonsense for weeks? Doesn't Dr. Oz warn against those cleanses? Won't you miss eating? Why? Just, why?
To answer your questions:
1. NO. That Master Cleanse bullshit is a hit or miss. Mostly miss because you are actually starving yourself. Also, if you were the loony that came up with this piss water concoction, how presumptuous is it to call your cleanse the "Master Cleanse"? Are there disciple cleanses? "Master" is reserved for ninjas and the season 1 Buffy villain.
2. Let's get this out of the way: Fuck Dr. Oz. He is medical fear journalism incarnate. Yes, we know that everything will give you cancer. But can't we just drink our apple juice in peace without having to ask if there is extra arsenic in it? And those dumb headlines: THE TOP TEN THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW WERE MAKING YOU FAT. Boy, if I had a nickle every time I heard one of those promos, I'd have enough to buy an apple juice factory and drink all the arsenic I want. End of Dr. Oz rant. Back on topic though, yeah he does warn against the cleanses, but we're talking the aforementioned bullshit Master Cleanse.
3. I will miss eating all the things that are horribly bad for my body but that's kind of the point. I'm checking myself into food rehab. Here's the breakdown of my cleanse...
For three weeks, I will cut out six things from my diet: Processed food or beverages, added sugar, dairy, gluten, caffeine, and alcohol. So far so good, right?
During week 1 I get : fruits, vegetables, and plant-based fats, including nuts, seeds, and oils
Adding back in Week 2: seafood, beans and lentils, and organic soy
Adding back in Week 3: gluten-free grains and eggs
Week one will kind of suck. I'm anticipating a lot of cranky, tired days and 8:00 bedtimes. But according to the cleanse, that's to be expected then by week 2, I should be feeling back to normal. By week 3, I should be feeling energetic, light, confident, and ready to conquer the world! You know, like the women in tampon commercials.
4. Why, you ask? Why not? But in all seriousness, to lose weight, to start cooking again, to stop myself from eating out all the time and to enjoy good, honest food.
I'm going to try to chronicle the detox day by day, or at least every other day. I start next Monday, so until then it's my last hurrah for bad foods. Entire tray of chick-fil-a nuggets, here I come! Just kidding, I'm sharing!